HOW TO START A FIGHT....

" Just to make you laug "

 



 



 

 

Subject: HOW TO START A FIGHT

 
            One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a

Christmas gift...


The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.


When she asked me why, I replied,


"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"


And that's how the fight started.....


______________________________


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire

while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'


'No,' she answered. I then said,


'Is that your final answer?'


She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'


So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."


And that's when the fight started...


________________________________


I took my wife to a restaurant.


The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.


"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."


He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"


"Nah, she can order for herself."


And that's when the fight started.....


________________________________


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion,

and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink

as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"


"Yes", she sighed,


"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we


split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."


"My God!" I said,

"Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...


________________________________


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me


that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take


care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more


important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.


When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily


snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for


a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and


when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish


cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."


And then the fight started


_____________________________________________


My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.


She asked, "What's on TV?"


I said, "Dust."


And then the fight started...


________________________________


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and


slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and


proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing


50 mph, so I


pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the


weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly


undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back,


now with a


different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."


My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband


is out fishing in that?"


And that's how the fight started...


________________________________


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.


She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3


seconds."


I bought her a bathroom scale.


And then the fight started......


________________________________


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for


Social Security.


The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify


my age.


I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.


I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and


come back later.


The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.


So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.


She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she


processed my Social Security application..


When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the


Social Security office...


She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten


disability, too.'


And then the fight started...


________________________________


My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.


She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,


"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.


I really need you to pay me a compliment.'


I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."


        And then the fight started........